The 5 stages of going past your due date

So here we are several days past my due date with no baby yet and no indications that labor is imminent.  Physically I feel pretty much like I have for the past few weeks, which is to say I'm fairly uncomfortable but no worse than you'd expect for the final weeks of pregnancy.  But mentally it's frustrating to have reached the endpoint we've been looking forward to for the last 9 months yet still be out of reach of the prize. 

 

It's like training for a marathon, finishing 26.2 miles then being told to continue running in place for some undetermined time before you're done.  I know due dates are arbitrary and had even mentally added a few days to ours to give a little cushion but we've passed that date as well as the "official" one and for all I know we might have hours, days, or even another week to go and just like running in place, the scenery doesn't change.

 

My plan all along has been to work until labor begins, health permitting, so I've been at work every day this week.  While the constant barrage of "you still haven't had that baby yet?" questions gets annoying, staying busy has definitely helped the days to pass more quickly than they would have if I were sitting at home.  Plus, I'm not burning leave time before the baby gets here and will be able to spend my full planned 12 week leave period with the baby. 

 

In the evenings I get home and enjoy the time with Daniel, always mindful that this might be his last night as an only child.  My mom's been here since Sunday so she can watch him once we head to the hospital and he has been loving the time with her.  He loves school and his extended care friends but it's a treat for him to spend his afternoons with Mimi instead this week. And when we do finally head off to have the baby I know he'll be enjoying his time with her rather than being worried or upset that we're not there.

 

So I mentioned the 5 stages in the title.  The theory is that when a person grieves they go through 5 different emotional stages in processing it.  After this week I can say the same theory holds in dealing with a late baby.  If I were artsy like the Crappy Pictures blogger this post would be decorated with funny pictures, but since I'm not we'll just imagine the accompanying illustrations.

 

Denial: No, we're not going to go past our due date again.  Surely not.  Or at least, not as long as last time.  This can't be happening again...

 

Anger: This sucks.  I'm tired of being pregnant, tired of waiting, tired of being asked by everyone I see "when are you gonna have that baby?"  Enough already!

 

Bargaining: Maybe if I eat [insert spicy food] that'll push this baby over the edge.  Alas, so far all it pushes over the edge is my heartburn.

 

Depression: I'm going to be pregnant forever.  I'll be at work again tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.    Because THIS BABY IS NEVER COMING.

 

Acceptance: Finally got there today.  This baby will come when s/he is ready and absent indications to the contrary, I'll assume that until that happens, this baby is still better in than out.  This morning on the way to work I decided to treat myself to a Frappucino and bought bagels for my work group to thank them for helping to make this week more bearable. Hopefully tomorrow they're finishing up the leftovers without me but if there's no baby yet and I go to work yet again at least I'll have a good breakfast to look forward to.

 

At my appointment Monday Cecily offered that if I got this far with no baby that I could come in to have my membranes swept if I wanted to try to speed things along.  I can't say the idea of moving things along wasn't tempting but I decided against it.  If I've waited this long I can wait another few hours/days for this kid to arrive on his/her own.  If we end up with another NICU situation without elective interventions that would be one thing, but if I tried this and then we ended up with a complication I'd feel responsible.  So unless something changes between now and then I won't see her till my next appointment on Monday.  If we get to that point we'll have a sonogram to make sure kiddo is still thriving, and depending what it shows we can decide if it's still appropriate to wait or if we need to induce.

 

We'll see what tomorrow brings.  Hopefully it brings a baby.  But if it doesn't, I'll try to stay in acceptance mode and trust that this baby knows better than the calendar when s/he should be born.

 

 

 

 

Labor "marathon" signs

One of the fun parts of running in a big race event is seeing all the spectators lining the course holding up funny and/or inspirational signs.  A few months ago when my friend Nicole was headed to the hospital to deliver her daughter I thought, what kind of signs would labor spectators hold up to entertain or encourage the laboring mom?  Here's what I came up with:

You're so close, almost there! (funny at 1cm, annoying at 4cm, and encouraging at push)

 

Don't stop now, people are watching!

 

You think this is hard, try having a baby...oh, right.

 

Chuck Norris DEFINITELY never did this.

 

You're totally beating Oprah!

 

Push faster my arms are tired from holding this sign

 

I like your stamina, call me later!

 

That's not sweat, it's liquid awesome

 

Try not to poop yourself

 

This seemed like a good idea 9 months ago...

 

Tear now, brag forever!

 

If this were easy, everyone would do it

 

Orange juice and cookies at the finish

 

Pain now, wine later

 

Pain is weakness leaving the body

 

You think your nipples were sore after running...

 

You've already gone further than most people ever will

 

Go Mommy Go!

Your baby is waiting at the finish line!

In other news, baby seems content to hang out where s/he is for the time being.  The big day could be tomorrow or it could be another week.  On the one hand I'm eager to meet our baby and not be pregnant any more so I can certainly understand why some women get impatient by this point and opt to induce electively.  On the other hand, if I've waited this long, what's another few days?  While baby would almost certainly be fine now, the fact that labor hasn't started on its own is a good indication to me that for whatever reason, baby still belongs on the inside.  So while I'm most definitely ready whenever this kid wants to come out and play, I'm fine waiting for it to happen on its own.  It'll be worth the wait!

Here are what might be my last pregnant belly shots:

 

DadDad

As my family prepares to welcome one new member, we are saying goodbye to another.  My grandfather "DadDad" passed away peacefully Sunday at the age of 95. 

 

Unfortunately at this late stage of the pregnancy we were not able to go see him one last time and we won't be able to make it to his funeral this weekend.  But we did see him and my grandmother over the Thanksgiving and New Years' holidays, and by some odd twist of luck, on both of those visits Daniel was uncharacteristically mellow and content to sit in their laps, so they got lots of cuddle time with their first great-grandchild. 

 

Here's my favorite picture of Daniel and DadDad together, taken over Thanksgiving:

When I was in 8th grade I chose him as the subject of an essay entitled "Someone I Admire," and some 20 years later the words and the title still ring true.  Here's my favorite part: "Dad Dad always thinks of others before himself.  For example, he might be cold,but if someone else is too, he will let the other person use his coat...he is also a warm, caring person who is always ready with a hug."

There are many stories about him that epitomize his generous spirit.  Once was when I was in college and a friend and I came out to the ranch over Thanksgiving break.  We arrived late one evening and DadDad, as usual, stayed up to greet us.  He met us at the door and insisted on carrying our suitcases in for us.  The next day I noticed whenever he walked his gait was stiff and halting.  I asked my grandmother about it and she said his knees were so bad that every step caused him pain.  Yet the night before he had carried our bags in without a word though it must have been quite painful.

I remember another visit around that time when my cousins and I were up one morning in the kitchen with DadDad having breakfast when we heard a little bell from my grandparents' bedroom.  We asked what that was and DadDad said, "That's Tinkerbell, she's ready for her tea," and he jumped up to make hot tea to deliver to my grandmother in bed.  At the time we joked, wow, that's high maintenance, but over the years I've thought back to that many times and realized that he must have loved to do that for her every morning.  It wasn't just that he got up and made the tea for her but the joy he took in doing it that remained with me through the years.

Which brings me to one more story about his love for her.  New Years' Eve 2011 my aunt and uncle brought DadDad and MomMom out to the ranch for the day.  MomMom had some health issues at that point that meant she couldn't stay overnight but DadDad could.  So the plan was that they would take her home that evening and bring DadDad home the following day.  Well, that may have been everyone else's plan but when it was time for her to leave DadDad insisted on going home with her saying "she might need me."  He dearly loved the ranch and spending time with the rest of the family but the decision of whether to stay there without her or go home early was no decision for him at all.

He and my grandmother had a wonderful love story.  They were engaged for 5 years while he served overseas in World War II.  My grandmother didn't want to be a war widow so they postponed marrying till he returned but they wrote each other letters nearly every day that they were apart.

They married on December 4, 1945.  After the war was over he was sent back to the US.  After several weeks on a ship he arrived in Virginia and boarded a train for San Antonio.  A few days later he arrived at the depot in San Antonio and had to go through hours of outprocessing before he could leave.  Finally he had dotted his i's and crossed his t's, paid his taxes to the IRS (the first person waiting to meet them off the train was the tax man!) and he was ready to leave but it was so late that the person who was to clear his exit said he wasn't senior enough to clear the exit for my grandfather, a lieutenant colonel, so DadDad would have to wait for someone else to come authorize the release. 

DadDad asked the young man where he had spent the past 5 years, to which he replied, here in San Antonio.  DadDad's response: "well I've been away from my family and fiancee all that time, and they're on the other side of that door.  Here's my address, you know how to reach me if you need to, but I'm leaving."  And then he strode out the door to begin his civilian life.  This was in late November.  Given that, the early December wedding date shows that after 5 years of waiting patiently, they weren't about to wait any longer to begin their married life.  They enjoyed 67 happy years of marriage after that.

 

They were blessed with 7 grandchildren and through the years they seldom missed a Grandparents' Day or school play and they proudly cheered us on at graduations and weddings.  My cousins and I lost our maternal grandfathers when we were young so DadDad filled the grandpa role for all 7 of us pretty much single-handedly.  He obviously loved being a grandfather and was never too busy to spend time with us.

He and my grandmother were ecstatic to become great-grandparents when Daniel was born, and while the name Daniel honors my dad's family in general it honors DadDad in particular.  I regret that my second child won't get to meet DadDad but I'll enjoy sharing stories with my kids about their great-grandfather.

Books I read in 2012

2012 has come and gone, so time for me to update my reading list on the side column and archive last year's.  Here's what I read in 2012:

• The Racketeer, John Grisham
• Starbucked: A Double Tall Tale of Caffeine, Commerce, and Culture, Taylor Clark
• Clutch: Excel Under Pressure, Paul Sullivan
• Devil in the White City, Erik Larson
• Personal Injuries, Scott Turow
• Defending Jacob, William Landay
• Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, Susan Cain
• The Handmaid's Tale, Margaret Atwood
• Titanic, Michael Davie
• Outliers, Malcolm Gladwell (r)
• A Life Without Limits: A World Champion's Journey, Chrissy Wellington
• Mockingjay, Suzanne Collins
• Catching Fire, Suzanne Collins
• Hunger Games, Suzanne Collins
• Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey (r)
• Brandwashed, Martin Lindstrom
• Happiest Toddler on the Block, Dr. Harvey Karp (r)
• Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, Amy Chua

I had forgetten some of these until I read back over the list.  Looking back, I'd say my favorites were Chrissy Wellington's autobiography, Quiet, and Devil in the White City, but the Hunger Games series was an enjoyable diversion from the heavier non-fiction I tend to favor.

Now, time to start logging 2013.

Advancing to the start line

In September 2011 I decided it was time I finally tackled my goal of running a half marathon.  So I diligently followed a 9-week training plan and when race morning dawned, cold and wet, I stood in the start corral with thousands of other runners waiting to begin the run.  We were released in waves and as an earlier wave would strike out we'd advance closer and closer to the start line till finally it was my wave's turn to begin.  As I waited for my turn I thought how after several months of training, running late after putting Daniel to bed or getting up early to train before work, I was just minutes from getting to start my first big race and just hours from becoming a half-marathoner. 

 

Now after 9 months of waiting and preparing I find myself inching closer and closer to the start line for yet another big event.  We're full-term at this point so this baby could come any day now.  My guess is we've got another week or so to go but we're in "threat level orange" status on high alert.  I know when the "official" due date is but I know it's an arbitrary date and no more or less likely than any other day in that time frame to be the day.  So if it comes and goes and no baby yet I'm not going to stress over it.  This kid will come when he or she is ready.

 

This morning I got a nice surprise when I arrived at work.  My office group had put together a nice "welcome baby" spread for me complete with Finding Nemo-themed decorations and cake, breakfast goodies, and punch with sherbet.  Several friends had offered to throw me a shower, but since we really already have all the baby items we need, it was nice to just get a chance to enjoy some good food with friends and celebrate the impending arrival.  They also got us a generous gift card, a baby care set and toy dog for the little one, and a toy truck for big brother Daniel.  Daniel loved the truck the minute he opened it and couldn't wait for me to open the package, and he seems to have taken quite a liking to the stuffed dog too, holding it in his lap all the way home.  Thanks SBA!



 

I haven't gotten around to taking any more pictures lately, so I guess this'll count for my belly shot this week too.  Getting big!

Is it hot in here...

...or am I just 9 months pregnant?

During my last month of pregnancy with Daniel I remember that I always felt hot, an interesting change of pace for me given that I'm usually the one who's cold when everyone else is comfortable.  But it was also July in Texas so I thought well, maybe it'll be different having my 9th month in January. 

It turns out it's not.  Oh it's fine when I'm outside, but my desk is inside, where the heater is on.  I've been going to work in short sleeve tops and flip flops just like I was that summer before Daniel.  I wear a heavy coat to walk to and from the car but at my desk I'm always hot.  The other day I overheard one woman telling a coworker that it was so cold at her desk she had to wrap up in a blanket.  I wanted to follow her to her desk and ask if I could sit there to cool down!

Add it to the list of 9th month discomforts.  Between the broken internal thermostat, round the clock heartburn, pelvic, rib, and lower back pain, bladder pressure, and fatigue, this will surely not go down as my favorite month of pregnancy.  But every day that passes is a day that brings me closer to meeting our baby, and fortunately I'm so busy right now that the days are passing pretty quickly.

This is how we nest
It's said that pregnant women often engage in nesting behavior as the due date draws nearer, cleaning, preparing the house, and organizing.  Well, if you're a Type A personality like me, you take nesting to a whole different level:

First the baby-related items:
- getting the baby's room ready
- washing our baby bottles and stripping (deep cleaning) the small sized cloth diapers
- mending some of the diapers whose velcro tabs have worn out
- writing out a detailed "who to call" list for Kevin to follow as labor progresses
- arranging several levels of backup care for Daniel and writing out care instructions for him
- packing the hospital bags (small one for labor and delivery, bigger one for recovery) and putting a bag in my car with towel and change of clothes in case my water breaks while I'm away from home
- meeting with doula and working out our game plan
- lining up birth photographer
- making and freezing extra meals to eat in the weeks after baby arrives
- writing draft "the baby's here!" email so I can just fill in the details and hit send on the day of instead of having to dig around for everyone's email address

But why settle for just focusing on baby-specific tasks when you can also:
- lead your HOA board through a management change
- refinance your house
- shop for new living room furniture
- stay super-busy at work and even do a little overtime (though now that we're full-term I've hopped off that train)

And of course, I'm enjoying my last weeks with Daniel and Kevin while we're a family of 3.

I'm sure some people like to spend their last weeks relaxing, and I certainly plan to do some of that.  But in general I'm happier when I'm busier and it certainly makes the 9th month easier to bear when it is moving quickly.

Passionately neutral

For years Southwest Airlines used to declare itself "passionately neutral" about whether the Wright Amendment limiting its service to and from Dallas should be repealed.  That phrase has come to mind a lot as the perfect way to describe how I feel about the gender of our second child.

 

It seems that parents are supposed to want one of each, so if the first child is a boy you should want a girl the next time, and vice-versa.  And certainly, I'd be thrilled to welcome a daughter.  But, I'd be equally excited to hear Kevin call out "it's a boy!" in the delivery room.  Regardless of gender, this child will be his or her own person and have a unique personality.  S/he will no doubt take after big brother Daniel in some ways and be totally different in others.

 

This baby will almost certainly be our last child, so if it's a second boy I won't get the chance to be the mother of a daughter.  There are some experiences I will miss out on if I never have a girl like shopping for prom dresses, being mother of the bride, and finally learning how to do a French braid.  And it occurred to me in November as election results came in how fun it would be to wake up a daughter in 2016, 2020, or 2024 so she can watch the first female president-elect give her victory speech. 

But then I think about how much I love being the mother of a little boy and I know that a second boy would be a wonderful experience too.  Sure, I'd miss out on some things not having a girl, but I'm not one of those women who feels like she has to have a daughter.  Even as a little girl I was always the tomboy who was happy to get dirty playing with the boys so I wouldn't really miss the "girly-girl" stuff like a lot of women would.  And for Daniel, he might bond more with a brother than he would with a sister.  Certainly there are plenty of exceptions but in general it seems people are closer to same-sex siblings.

Certainly boys and girls have their differences but the truth is that there are plenty of things that will be the same regardless of our child's gender.  Whether I have one of each or two boys, I want to make sure each of my children learns important life skills like how to cook, do laundry, change a flat tire, and jump start a car before s/he moves out of the house.  I want them each to try sports and learn to play a musical instrument.  I want to help them to learn about our faith, what we believe, and why we believe it, then give them the freedom to follow and express their own beliefs.  I want to inspire in them a love of reading, a thirst for knowledge, and a lifelong drive for continual self-improvement.  I want them to learn the sense of satisfaction and self-confidence that comes from setting big goals, working toward them over time, and then accomplishing them.  I want them to know that there's nothing inherently feminine about being loving and sensitive to others' needs anymore than there's anything inherently masculine about being courageous or assertive.  To sum it up, I want to empower my children, male or female, to run a business, run a household, or run a marathon.

So as I sit here just weeks away from meeting our new baby, I am excited to find out what we're having, but can honestly say I will be equally happy either way.  I wondered if it would be hard to go through the whole pregnancy not knowing but it's been fun to be able to consider and imagine both possibilities.  And it's fun to hear everyone's confident predictions and wild guesses (both of which stand the same 50% odds of being correct). 

On a related note, I'll be putting together an online baby pool at some point for people to make their guesses as to gender, birth date, measurements, etc.  No prize for the winner, just the satisfaction of being right.  I'll post it once I do, so if you want to weigh in, you'll have your chance!