Back to work

After 12 too-short weeks, tomorrow will be my first day as a working mom.  This day seemed so far off back in July but then time just sped up and  carried us into October.  The days at home often felt long but the weeks seemed to go by in a blur.

I can't believe how much he's changed since he was born.  In July we took home a newborn whose going-home outfit was too big.  Now he's outgrowing his 3 month clothes (almost 2 weeks shy of that milestone, no less), holding his head up well, smiling, cooing, and now laughing.  He's discovered his hands and feet and enjoys putting his hands in his mouth and grasping things.  And lately, he's turned into quite the drooler too!

I have mixed feelings about going back to work.  I don't really worry about how Daniel will do during the day because he'll be home with Kevin through the end of the year, thanks to paternity leave and saved up vacation time.  So he'll still be in familiar surroundings and he'll get some good bonding time with Daddy.  I'm sure the first few days will be a little challenging for both of them but they'll find their routine soon enough.  Once January rolls around Daniel will spend his weekdays in the care of Kevin's mom so while he won't be with his parents anymore he'll still be with someone who loves him and getting one-on-one attention.  So, I don't feel guilty about leaving him.  He'll be in good, loving hands.

My job is also pretty conducive to a good work-life balance.  I'm fortunate to have a job that is only 40 hours a week.  I can get in as early as 7 am to be off by 330 so I still get the whole evening with Daniel.  I don't ever have to take work home with me or work nights or weekends, and Grandma's house is so close to my office that it'll be easy for me to go see him at lunch if I want to. 

So all in all I have the ideal scenario for a working mom.  And I'm sure once we get into a routine it'll work out well.  And of course, I have to say that I'm grateful to have been able to take 12 weeks off in the first place.  Grateful that my employer was happy to give me the time off and even when the only other person who does my job announced his retirement just before my departure, my boss just brought someone in to cover for me and didn't pressure me at all to come back sooner.  Grateful that we could afford to be without my income for 7 weeks.  And that between paternity leave and our "granny nanny," Daniel gets to be cared for by family for as long as we want to.  We are truly lucky for all of that.

All that being said though, tomorrow morning I'll get up, get ready, and feed Daniel.  I'll hold him in my arms as he drifts back to sleep.  If I have time, I'll hold him for awhile after he falls asleep before I take him back up to his crib.  But then the moment I'm dreading will come.  I'll set my peaceful, sleeping boy into his crib and...I'll leave and not be there when he wakes up.

There are some things I'm looking forward to though.  I am looking forward to being able to actually sit down and have lunch at a reasonable time rather than having to shovel it down or eat really late because he didn't want to go down for a nap.  I'll enjoy getting to see my friends again and the intellectual stimulation of work.  Most of my maternity leave wasn't paid, so it'll be nice to be earning money again.  And it'll be good for me and Daniel for me to get more comfortable with the idea of leaving him in someone else's care.  I don't want to be one of those moms who can't trust anyone else with their child.  I have a hard time with that now and I'm sure more time at home with him would only make me more that way.  As satisfying as it is to be the person who can always soothe him, it's better for him if he gets used to being soothed by people besides me.

Tomorrow will be a hard day, no doubt about it.  But all my working mom friends say it gets easier.  And while I won't be there for him during the day in person, thanks to pumping he'll still be getting my milk for every meal.  I'll be able to pump at work and I've already got a pretty sizeable stash of milk in our fridge and freezer, over 120 oz.  Each morning and afternoon I'll take my pump bag to the unused supply closet that has been repurposed into a mother's room.  I know some women hate pumping but I'm actually looking forward to it.  It'll be nice to have that connection with him and know that even if I'm not there to hold him, I'm still able to give him the best food he can possibly get.  For those pump breaks I'll get to emphasize the mom part of "working mom."

It'll be hard to get myself up tomorrow.  But I'll have the reward of knowing that I might be home by the time Daniel wakes up from his afternoon nap.  And just like I think many women build up labor pains in their mind to something much worse than the real thing, I'm sure the anticipation of separation is worse than the reality will prove to be.  And in truth, Full-time Mommyland isn't a place I'd want to live.  But it proved a pretty nice place to visit, and I'm proud to say I think I did pretty well there.